


you've touched me without even touching me

by ethereal_flower



Series: Letters [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Heavy Angst, Letters, M/M, POV Second Person, Sad Ending, it gets sadder as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27797908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethereal_flower/pseuds/ethereal_flower
Summary: i don't knowwhat's more tragicthat i keep looking for youwherever i goor that you're never there(in which Reiner writes letters to Bertholdt for years)Manga spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Series: Letters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067000
Comments: 57
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

Hey Bertl, I guess this is like the umpeenth time I've written a letter- well, a finished letter for you rather. I just woke up from my injuries 3 days ago...shit, who knew my head would be blown off like that? 

But, I'm going to stop beating around the bush. You're still alive there, I know you are. I'm going to talk to Zeke about how we'll rescue you, just hold on okay? 

I'm going to deliver this letter to you by a pigeon, the damn bird's trained, don't worry. Just look up in the sky and you'll see her. We'll rescue Annie as well, don't worry much. 

I'll make sure they'll pay for what they did. 

~R. Braun


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i feel like crying reeee-

Bertl? Did something happen? I didn't get a reply from you. Maybe you missed the pigeon...or maybe the pigeon missed you. I don't know really. I'm really worried you know. So is your father. Almost everyone here thinks you're...

Wait, haha I shouldn't say that. Think positive, that's what I keep on doing. And also, I met my little cousin today, she's named Gabi. If you remember my aunt was pregnant during the time we left for Paradis. 

I do miss you Bertl, I really do. So I hope this message reaches you. Reply to me soon, okay? 

~R. Braun


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm getting too inspired 😩 i wanna take a break but lmao i keep making this man suffer-

....Hey Bertholdt. Don't play games with me okay? That pigeon was gone for like a week and you don't have anything else to say? Don't tell me you sided with them! If you dare do so, I swear I won't forgive you! 

Please. Bertl, please answer me. Where are you? Why aren't you responding? 

Bertl...please. 

~R. Braun


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peace out guys but don't spam me hate lol

Bertholdt....where are you? Just answer me, please. I was expecting a reply from you. Another day has passed you know? Are you mad at me? Is that why you aren't replying? Bertl...I'm so sorry okay? I didn't mean to think you'd betray us. After all, you said you'll end it right? You ended it right? All you need is to go back home, together with Annie...with your father, our fellow warriors...and me, all waiting. 

Bertholdt? I'm expecting a reply from this one alright? 

~R. Braun


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TvT welp- here we go again all aboard the feels train   
> And also on the sidenote writing reibert hits different now after the latest chapter 😭😭😭

Hey....

It's me again...are you really mad at me Bertl? Why aren't you replying? Did I do something wrong? Was it...because of what I said? That I didn't find you reliable? 

That was before Bertholdt. Now I completely trusted you. I trust you. Please...please find the time now for me to reply. You know, your birthday is just around the corner...and I don't want you to be mad at me during that day. I'll talk to you soon...

~R.Braun


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TvT here we go again

Do you remember when we were kids? During the time that you and I used to sneak away from training? It was so funny that time...

Your face was white like a ghost, but after all I was the one who got you in trouble. I can't believe that I still remember it really. Well...what do you think? When you come back- well if you are able to...can we sneak out again like that? 

I have something to tell you. 

~R.Braun


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy   
> The pain continues!!! :"D

Alright. Here's the thing.

I know you won't reply or something, but I need you to know this. Ever since we were kids, I felt different around you. Always as if butterflies would fill in my belly. You might think it's crazy, but it's true. 

This went on and on until now....the truth is I never stopped looking at you that way Bertl. So when you look at Annie I just....I don't know. I feel this sense of anger and...maybe jealously? I'm not so sure...I may tease you about Annie but...something doesn't feel right about it. 

Bertholdt....

Am I in love with you? 

~R. Braun


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...pizza? Y'all want?

So...long time no talk? Hah...you didn't even reply. A year has passed now. To be honest, I was pissed with you. You didn't reply. At all. Seems like you really...really betrayed us then. 

We're at war again by the way. Because we lost you and Annie, our forces have weakened. And don't tell me, Annie has sided with you now as well? Against us? Against...me. 

It doesn't matter anyways. Nothing matters anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this T-T i just really had this headcanon of Reiner thinking Bertholdt and Annie betrayed their hometown while rereading this (yes i reread my stories shush-) And yes, he doesn't put his signature anymore because he knows the two won't read his letters anymore 😭😭😭


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting a lil bit closer towards the end guys! Thanks to everyone who supported me! ♥♥♥

So- best friend huh? Best friend? Why would you even think of me like that? Clearly, I was nothing. I was...a failure. I only became a Warrior thanks to Marcel's lies to bring his brother down. 

When Marcel died, I only pretended to be like him. To be the big brother everyone liked towards the 104th. And yet- you stucked yourself to me like glue on paper. And why is that Bertl? 

Were you looking for support? For comfort? Or...was it for love? I'm telling you now- I am the wrong person. 

I always have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anddddd still no signature ;-;


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choo choo- here we go again

It's been...a long while. I guess I'd say...two years now? And guess what- I'm promoted to Vice Captain. I'm basically your superior now. And my order is- get your ass back here. 

No. I don't think you'd follow it anyways. Who am I even kidding? I'm starting to doubt everything, you know? Even our friendship from the start I...I thought that you didn't...trust me at all. And Bertholdt..the thing is...

I don't care anymore. You betrayed me, abandoned your hometown or anything- I don't care about that. Bertl...

I love you. Just come back home. Please. 

~R. Braun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Signature is back bois!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day? YES. I'm breaking hearts out here ngl ;-;

Hey Bertl? I had a dream actually. We were just at home, sitting next to each other, just dreaming what I imagined ourselves to be. Together, just...right there. 

What kind of dream was that? Because I saw that we were....wearing some rings. Yeah, don' t get me wrong we were REALLY wearing rings. 

....were we married? Does that mean I had a family with you? Hah...that's funny. 

But I would have loved that. 

~R. Braun


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cycle cycle- waterfall T^T

It's been a quite a while again.. 

Sorry just became busy and the like. I was also just guiding the next batch of Warriors. And...I was pretty sure I saw some lookalikes. There's Zofia, who reminds me of Annie. There's Falco, who reminds me of myself, to be honest. Gabi is like a mix of the Galliard brothers, maybe. And then Udo...he...he reminds me of you, he just curses a lot. 

I don't know Bertl...it's just that, when I'm with these kids, I feel the huge urge to protect them from this dark hell. 

But I can't. Not without you. 

~R. Braun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T-T this chapter was heavily inspired by the 2nd episode. It legit gave me Depressed!Dad!Reiner vibes ngl


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so guys, they say that 13 is an unlucky number right? welp- chapter 13 it is. oh boi it's gonna be a long one

Hey. 

It's me, again. I think it's been awhile since I've written another letter to you. Another year, I'd say...

Bertholdt, can I be fully honest with you? You know what...? I...I can't hate you, like I did 3 years ago. To be honest, I never stopped caring about you. I always got worried about you, even if you don't reply to my letters. 

I guess it's time for me to face reality too. I don't think you're reading this anymore. Even from the first letter 4 years ago, I don't think you've read any of it. I think the pigeon was only sending this for nothing. 

...all of this was for nothing. Everything that I said to you was never given back. So why am I writing this letter? It's to give you one last chance to prove to me that you care. 

If you don't reply, I won't be writing to you anymore. ....I'll have to face the truth. 

~R. Braun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is basically the climax T-T i know guys i'm feeding you too much


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so guys. this is the last letter.   
> cause- yeah you know why ;-; 
> 
> there will be an epilogue shortly after. just...ready your hearts tho...

You didn't reply. You didn't reply at all. I guess...whatever Zeke, Pieck, Galliard or anyone else said was right. That you're gone. And that you're never coming back. That you're.. you're dead.

So does that mean...I'm writing to a dead person? All this time? All these years? So I really have gone mad? ....I don't know anymore...

I lost Marcel...I lost Annie, and...I now realized I lost you too. Is this what fate has set upon me...? To live a life full of misery with surviving company? 

I didn't want this Bertholdt. I didn't ask for it...   
I wanted to go back home, be with you and to just be happy with the remaining years of our lives. But now...there's nothing. 

Our dream...Annie, you and I... it's gone. It's all gone. 

....I will never forget you though. Even if it means me pushing up daisies. 

Bertholdt Hoover. 

You've touched me without touching me. 

~R. Braun


	15. Epilogue

It had bothered Pieck for awhile. The fact that Reiner never stopped writing to his dead best friend. She was worried Reiner would be stuck in that little fantasy of his.

4 years ago, she had told him about that already. She remembered the cold stare Reiner gave her upon letting the words slip. 

"It was scary..." Pieck suddenly says out of the blue. "What is?" Porco had cut her train of thought as he entered the room. Pieck heaved a sigh as she laid down on the sofa, the way she usually would do. "Remember when we tried to cut Reiner off from his letter writing?" She says. The other warrior nodded his head. "You mean when we also told him that Bertholdt was possibly dead? Yeah I remember. Damn bastard actually tried to punch me at the time..." 

But Pieck wasn't in the mood for Porco's drama. Her mind was wandering towards Reiner. Zeke was too preoccupied with the upcoming declaration of war against the devils on Paradis, but she hoped the Warchief was just as aware about Reiner's situation like she is. Which was slightly impossible...

Reiner may have looked okay on the outside, but Pieck could sense the change and gloominess in him. When during the time Reiner had the mindset thinking Bertholdt and Annie betrayed them, it was just too much to bear. Pieck decided to make him snap out of it again, only to be shouted in return. 

He was her friend. The very least she could do was to help him. 

"Hey. Your mind is wandering again." Porco cut off her train of thought again. Pieck soon waved her hand dismissively, standing up and grabbing her crutch. "Just keep an eye on him too." She says before leaving. 

Sure, Reiner may now be a rank higher than them, but this was personal. They were friends, and there was no way she was going to let Reiner descend into more suffering. 

Pieck knocked on the door of Reiner's room, trying to talk him out of it one more time. But after 4 knocks, she slowly opened the door. Reiner wasn't there. But something caught her eye. 

"....where is his rifle?" Pieck knew what and where Reiner's stuff were placed. She knew that his personal rifle was beside his bedside table, sometimes covered with his own blankets. But now...it was gone. 

Pieck tried to search his room once more, and saw a piece of paper on the bedside table. Reading it, she slowly realized it was another of Reiner's letters. But seeing it here just lying on the table made Pieck realize that Reiner didn't deliver the letter anymore. Her heart sank. He already knew...

Sighing, Pieck decided to read the whole letter. "....I will never forget you though. Even if it means me pushing up daisies..." 

Wait. That line. Pushing up daisies. 

Pieck knew what that line meant. "The rifle...pushing up daisies-!" It then hit her. It hit her. 

She hurriedly went out of the room, and tried to go to some of the spare rooms she knew Reiner would be in. 

In one room, Pieck heard his voice, tired and so done with everything. "I don't know what's more tragic. That i keep looking for you, wherever i go....or that you're never there..." He said. 

Pieck was about to call out Reiner's name, only to hear the sound of a gunshot two seconds later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry 😭I wanted to make this epilogue a little light but apparently this was what I had in mind. For those who were a bit confused and to avoid misleads, "Pushing up daisies" means "dead and buried." I wanted it to be "Kick the bucket" cause that means "to die" however it seemed a little to obvious so :"/ 
> 
> There you have it! Thank you so much for supporting my story even if it broke your hearts T^T 
> 
> I'll be sure to make more stories in the future! ♥♥♥


End file.
